Living With the Goofiest of Addictions
Posted: Thursday, August 27, 2009
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
Hello, my name is Mike Fak and I am an addict. No, I don't take drugs or pills. I'm not talking about demon whiskey or smoking either. My name is Mike Fak and it has been five days since I have had a chicken wing.
Now some of you might be laughing but I promise you this is no easy addiction to overcome. I can eat chicken wings for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner. I can even eat chicken wings for desert and I still can't get enough of them.
You have to understand we were a family of seven and we didn't have much money. At the time in the 50s, chicken breasts were 29 cents a pound, legs and thighs 19 cents. But for two dollars you could get a fifty-five-gallon drum of chicken wings so that is what my father would buy at the store. A fringe benefit was that we had more garbage cans than anyone on the north side of Chitown.
I will never forget all the ways mom cooked those delights. We had plain and burned chicken wings. We had barbecued and burned chicken wings. We had breaded and burned chicken wings just to name a few.
It was this early foray into constantly eating these crunchy, chewy, more-work-than-they're-worth niblets that caused me to become an addict.
I will admit to the embarrassment of those who are with me, that I can systematically go through a pan of chicken at a buffet and walk back to my table with whatever amount of wings were in the pan. Sometimes when a tray is brimming over with chicken breasts but there are no wings, I have been known to complain to management about this malfeasance of chicken portion serving.
One local pub used to have a sign that read, "Friday night: all the Buffalo wings you can eat, $9.95". The sign now says the same but in parenthesis is added, "Except for Fak"
Trying to be a healthy eater, I have tried to follow a regimen of eating from the five food groups. Unfortunately I have revised that group over the years to better serve my cravings. For me the five food groups entail, steak, bacon, beer, wine and chicken wings. But by far I can survive without the others if I can have a vat of wings in front of me.
At the fair a few weeks ago, when I walked into the area where the chickens were waiting to be shown, every one of them tucked their wings behind their back and cowered in a corner. I imagine my reputation had preceded me and I did see a small poster in the corner of a pen that had my picture with the red circle and slash across my face.
Actually that gave me an idea to serve my needs but also save the lives of thousands of hapless chickens. How about we pass a law to just take the wings off chickens but then spare their lives.
Chickens really don't need their wings since they can't really fly. They just flutter about. So why not give the chickens the option of sticking their wings or their heads on the butcher's chopping block.
I will make sure the chickens that opt for wing removal get proper medical care. I wouldn't want them to die just because they helped me with my craving.
I can probably sneak a chicken wing aftercare clause into the new Federal Health Care Plan. That thing is so big no one would notice the addition to help me with my addiction. I could call it the chicken bleep clause. In Washington there is so much chicken bleep now, I doubt they would notice a little more.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)You're wrong, Mike. You can include a chicken bleep clause, but you'll need a shovel and hip boots because you'll be wading through the bull bleep of a plan trying to find a place to bury it. Great article! (Chicken bleep...LOL!)Thanks Danny. I don't mind bull bleep if I can get a ribeye out of the deal.Mike
You are too much Mike. Hilarious! Sounds like your mother and I have a little something in common. I've got the whole 'burned' thing down in the kitchen too. :)Thanks Brianna. Yep mom never saw a piece of meat she couldn't turn in leather.Mike
Mike, I actually saw several dozen chickens being refused entry into one of Obama's town hall meetings. I had no idea why they were there, or were being turned away.Thanks for the clarification.Thanks Ken. All I know is chicken bleep is everywhere.Mike
Mike,What a great laugh!I feel the same way about noodles. Definitely the German in me. And I love them uncooked as well! Little did I know that my husband didn't like noodles until we had been married 5 years. So now when I make a meal with noodles, I throw a couple of potatos into the stew or the goulash or make him a baked potato instead.(I even remember trying to cook noodles in very hot water as a little girl. They were definitely a bit more than al dente.)Thank you for admitting to your 'healthy' addiction.NancyThanks Nancy. I love noodles too. Especially the chicken wing flavored ones.Mike
Mikeey,Thank's to you, more chickens are now running around in my backard.Jim GriffinThat's because they see all the chicken bleep coming out of your house while you watch all those "independent" news casts.
Ohmygosh, this article was hilarious. Just what I needed to end the day perfectly. Thank, Mike.I assume by ending it perfectly that you had chicken wings for dinner.Mike
A "poultry" excuse for an article perhaps but certainly worth a "cluckle"! Oh dear..I know..I know, couldnt resist but i did enjoy the article Mike! JulianJulian if you get any cornier, you will be my twin.Mike
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