Blundering through Renewing a Drivers License.
Posted: Thursday, August 06, 2009
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
Well with all the craziness what with covering the county fair, I had to take time to run over to the local driver's license facility to renew my license.
The renewal sort of snuck up on me and since I have only had the renewal notice two months, it is obvious that didn't give me enough time to plan this better.
In a small town the license facility isn't anywhere near as hectic as in the bigger cities. In fact, in Illinois, city folks are encouraged to drive to some small town to get all their driving paperwork handled. I know in Chicago a person can wait all day whereas here in Lincoln sometimes there isn't a wait at all.
I was good this time. I actually brought the paperwork and proof of insurance and I remembered to bring a check. In the past I have forgotten a check and "Put it on my tab" doesn't work with the state of Illinois.
The first thing was the eye test and I always have trouble with that. It has something or other to do with the fact I can't see very well I imagine.
I always do my comedy routine when they ask me to read a line. I say it all as one word, such as grizzlefrap or snorklepup or whatever the letters almost say. After I was done laughing and the clerk was done rolling his eyes, I tried again and got pretty darn close. I heard the "Try again" and once more"Let's try again." Finally I figured the letter out I couldn't see using my trademark random lucky guessing and I was ready to get a new mug shot for my license.
That's when the news hit me that I was required to take a written test as well. I was shocked and said I didn't know I would need to do that. The clerk showed me my letter that clearly said I was required to take a written but I pawned off the surprise with the excuse, "Hell, I just proved I can't see, why would I be able to see that?"
I hadn't looked at a Rules of the Road book in decades and since I was about to have an expired license I decided to take a gamble when I was told I only needed to get 14 out of 20 to pass.
Sitting down, with my glasses on, I worked the easy ones first. Green light means what. What do you do when you see a red light outside of looking for hookers etc?
There were also a couple stupid ones such as: If a little old lady is in the middle of the street do you; A. run her over and claim two points, B. drive around her cussing all the while or C. Stop until the old fart is off the street."
There were several that were asking me to identify signs the shapes of which I had never seen before. Did you know Illinois has a "blind, lame dog crossing" sign? Its in the shape of a broken leg with the print on the sign all smeary.
I figured out by answering the ones I knew I could get close with lucky guesses for the remainder since they were multiple choices so that was my strategy.
When I was finished going through the test I went back and made guesses on the three I had no clue to and walked back up to the desk. The clerk with a smile said I got them all right and I thanked my luck once again.
I think the real joke was when they were processing my new license and I was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I explained that everything in me is either broken or worn out so badly I have more need of being a recipient than a donor. I did tell them I would be happy to donate my old leathery, smoke damaged lungs to Wilson Sporting Goods. The thought that there could be some footballs out there on Sundays made out of a part of me was a happy thought as I drove away legally. They declined my offer, by the way.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Never a dull moment eh Mike? Loved your article.Thanks Brianna. It seems not with me.Mike
Funny stuff, Mike!Thanks Ken. At the moment it wasn't funny but it ended well.Mike
hi mike,this was really relatable and funny.i get nervous when i have to go to motor vehicle-always have, and God forbid inspection!thanks for sharing with us,my best regards,sueThanks Susan. I'm sure many have gone through this.Mike
Mickey,Had I known you were going out there, I would have called Fuzz and told him I had seen you drive. And I think that little old lady was really YOU. And I would have taken option B.Jim GriffinI only try to run someone off the road when I see it is you.
Great article. Well done.You should come over to the UK and you would not have to renew your licence. You can just blunder along on the left side of the road.Thanks Connor. I have been known to be on the left side of things from time to time.Mike
Hi Mike.You seem to have fun with everything you do. For me, taking a test is a horrible experience. When I have to renew my license in 2012, when I am sixty, I'll have to take the written test and already I am not looking forward to it!Hopefully, when the time comes, I will think of you and channel a bit of your sense of humor about it.Thanks for the fun,DianneThanks Dianne. I hope it helps when it is your turn.Mike
Fak, you never disappoint, well not with your sense of humor, any way! I despise eye exams, no matter where they're taken. I have my own little system at the Department of Motor Vehicles and pass every time.
Because of you, I'll look into SC's requirements. I wish to be prepared if I'm to take a written test. Like you, it's been decades and that took place in FL.
Thanks for the laughs!
My best,
AvisThanks Avis. May your state's written test be as easy as Illinois'Mike
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