Facing My Mortality, I've Kept My Sense of Humor.
Posted: Thursday, June 11, 2009
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
I fibbed all of you folks as well as everyone in Lincoln this past week and I apologize. I didn't have the flu. To be honest I'm not sure what I had but the initial results are looking like ole Mikey had a small stroke, or then again maybe not. Or course I'm all right as I am typing this and knowing that it makes as little sense as all my other works. That means I'm still lucid.
I was coming out of the chamber of commerce office feeling just fine when all of a sudden, nothing worked. Both arms and both legs went numb and when I said "What the hell is going on" out loud to myself, I could tell I had slurred my words.
Being stubborn as I am, I climbed into my van. Everything was in slow motion and I felt like I was wadding through molasses. I took back streets the half mile to my home which is just two blocks from the hospital because it was lunchtime and I knew my wife would be home very soon. I had no chest or head pains but I wasn't able to do anything worth a hoot right then.
Like a drunk I stumbled up the stairs and once inside I popped a couple aspirins under my tongue and waited on the porch for my wife to come. She was only a few minutes behind me and when she came home she said I looked terrible, was slurring my words and my face looked puffy and ashen.
I asked her to go pick up my son and when she got back we would then do something about me.
Ten minutes later she came back with Tim and I was fine. She admitted I looked normal and talked correctly but she insisted something had happened to me that was serious. I agreed, but being stubborn, I said I was going to do what I had promised others I would do before going in for a checkup. I had a busy weekend coming up but I did swear that if anything happened again, I would immediately go to the emergency room.
On this past Tuesday I went in to the clinic to get checked out.
It was my first visit in seven years and my second in twenty so everyone there knew I must be sick or they wouldn't be seeing me.
I had to explain what happened and said that since it happened to me I get to name the episode and preferred to call it "beached whale syndrome" I did my usual jokes, blood type AB positive, the AB standing for Anheiser Busch. "You want to listen to my heart? I'll be right back I left it in the van." "A brain scan? I'll wear clean underwear since that is where my brain is."
The cursory examination was terrific. A 66 pulse rate, 110 over 72 blood pressure, my Heart sounded good too. But when the nurse practitioner shined a light into my eyeballs she didn't like the way my eyes dilated so that made me think she saw something there besides the usual lint that I pull out of my eyes from time to time. I'm not sure how it works but somehow your eyeballs squeal on you when something goes amiss in your noggin.
I was told that although my vitals were excellent, something obviously happened to me and I should get a battery of tests. The first was an EKG on my heart and it was about as fast as anything I have ever had done. The technician was all business and when I went in and said, "EKG? They told me I was getting a KEG", she didn't even smile.
I could see the printout coming out and I know enough about those graphs to see mine was just fine. I went back to the nurse practitioner's office with the graph and when I remarked it looked better than I deserved she agreed. She asked if I had any formal training and I told her yes, going all the way back to watching the Marcus Welby M.D. shows in the 60s.
Wednesday I had all the blood sucked out of me for a whole array of tests and of course that is the most nerve wracking of the tests. They will look through my blood for all those nasty diseases that can mean your ticket has been bought and paid for and I await the results nervously.
I had laughed to my wife that since my heart was fine the options were to find a disease in my blood or determine I had a mini-stroke. In a strange set of circumstances I was now walking around saying, "please God let it be a stroke."
This morning, Thursday, I went to the hospital to get my CAT scan. Again everyone was very cordial and the technician in the room explained everything to me. She put the dye in my veins and after sticking my head in something looking like a Stargate with lights spinning all around she said I was done.
When she said the doctor would look at my scans in the next few days I was disappointed and asked if I could see them. When she said sure, I was elated.
It was fascinating to see inside my noggin and I only stated concern when I saw a few white flecks around the cortex. She said they were calcium deposits and everyone gets them as they age and mine were small and fewer than most patients who have 60 years under their belt.
I saw no tumors or bursts showing damage and nothing unusual in the veins and arteries.
This didn't mean I didn't have something happen to me, but it did mean there were no permanent damages from my "episode".
A thirty year technician, I knew her saying things looked fine were as certain as any doctor's look later on.
So I am down to waiting on a battery of blood tests. There is also the possibility I had a temporary constriction of blood flow and they will test for that but I guess the stories of my demise have been greatly exaggerated, especially by me.
I do have a couple good jokes flowing around town. One is that I will win this weekend's golf tournament because it took me only one stroke. The other is that the CAT scan wasn't working until they spun me around and stuck my butt into the machine.
I can see a whole page of Fak is out of whack jokes coming from this event. I'll let you all know what happens next.
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)OK Mike, I can't help myself, "YOU SHOULD HAVE DRIVEN DIRECTLY TO THE HOSPITAL". OK there, that feels better. Glad you are ok, now go win the golf tournament.No arguement from me. I actually don't play golf but I loved the joke. ThanksMike
Wow, that is scary. It did sound like a mini-stroke of some kind, not being an expert but as one who has known my share of people who had them. I wish you continued wellness, and maybe this was a glitch.- Anonymous RexThank you Rex . I wish you well too.Mike
hi moke,i'm sorry you had to go through such a fearful ordeal. i hope everything turns out fine. however, the golf joke may have been worth it :)please keep us posted,my best to you,sueor, hi mike, whichever you preferThanks Sue. I will let you know what happens.Mike
Mikey,The old joke is God only gave men anough blood to run our brain or another organ. I vote for the other organ and say you need to not look at young women!!!That said, I have included you, Sharon and Tim in my prayers.Jim GriffinI quit looking at younger women years ago. No sense teasing myself. Thanks for the prayers.Mike
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