2008-2009 the Winter of My Discontent and Crabbiness
Posted: Thursday, January 29, 2009
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
While I'm in a crabby mood, I thought I would spend some time grousing about winter and all the crap it brings our way. Cold, snow, ice, you name it central Illinois has had more than its fair share this year. I can't wait for temperatures to get to something reasonable like say 27 degrees or some other balmy number. I thought for a while this winter seeming to be long and miserable was just me and my old age but it isn't. Everyone I talk to has had enough of this garbage and can't wait for spring to arrive.
While I'm making lists of things I hate, I figure I should make one about the winter of 2008-2009.
Our community has decided to use the Christian method for snow and ice removal. God put it here, God will eventually remove it.
Who is the idiot that came up with wind chill'? I was a lot warmer until they started telling us what it feels like.
The other night it was so cold I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering, and they were on the nightstand.
The utility company has gotten so outlandish that it's cheaper to buy top quality oak furniture and burn it in the furnace than to use natural gas.
The Alaskan Caribou have been seen wandering further north. They are trying to distance themselves from the Midwest by as much as possible.
Jackson the cat has been living under the bed sheets for a month and she only sticks her head out when I fart at night.
Our other cat Smirky has been getting too close to the space heater. She has been walking around the house with her hair smoldering for a couple weeks now.
A gang of bugs in the basement snuck upstairs and stole a book of matches.
Sadly, there are several frozen birds outside my backdoor. They are frozen in midflight.
When I tried to start the old van, I could swear I heard a voice say, "You have got to be crapping me". The van wouldn't start and in fact rolled over on its side.
When I went to light a cigarette outside the flame in the lighter froze solid.
I imagine I have turned the thermostat down a little too much. My son opens the freezer to get warm.
I went to take a picture of a bunch of antsy school kids and I told them to freeze', and they did.
My son's last words before he fell down on the ice pulling me with him were. "It's not slippery". His next words as he still held onto my hand were, "Why did you fall on me?"
I just love the "Tips to save on your heating bills" that I get from the utility company. Here is a tip fellas on how we can save money: quit making billions of dollars in profits at our expense you robbers.
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)Hey, Mike, don't mean to add to your pain, but I found this piece very funny. And it's your son that I feel sorry for. And you too. Thanks for warming up my Kentucky ice-stormy day. ~mogama~Thanks Mogama. I see that you folks got hit pretty hard. Hang in there. Spring will come eventually.Mike
ok, the teeth on the nightstand was pretty funny. If it makes you feel any better I hear it's smoldering hot in Melbourne. ValThanks Val. Don't worry when it get's real hot I will complain about that too.Mike
Mike, that is a hilarious article, I know that Al Gore is not laughing about it though. This makes a full decade that global warming has gotten colder and colder. But to hear him tell it, it has just squatted down to rise. 1998 was our warmest in the the sky is falling episode.Thanks Joel. Like I have said. I'm all for global warming in the winter. And I'm all for global cooling in the summer.Mike
Mike, here is your fan again, I love your articles, I am really laughing out loud in my Tucson Arizona home....hahahahahaahhaaha, It's great here. I especially love the part about your son opening up the freezer to get warm, birds in mid flight frozen, and especially the part where the flame froze in your lighter, hahahahahhahaha, this was one of the funniest I have had the honor in reading...Well done once again my friend, well done, and oh, by the way, I was out checking the temp of the pool today....hahahhahahahaha!!! Great write!!!!Thank you very much Gary. You just had to rub in the pool temp didn't you. Remember though in August when it takes only ten minutes to turn into a burnt tatter tot by you ...I will still be freezing?Mike
hi mikethis was a very funny and witty article. i enjoyed reading it,and smiling at all the very smart references to what the cold can be like.it's been really cold here, and walking to the mailbox is like walking through an obstacle course. i can't wait for spring,my best regards,sueThanks Sue. I always tell my radio listeners my first holiday of the year is when 'Pitchers and catchers report to spring training' . That means it can't be too far away?Mike
Quit falling on your son or he'll have to go on Dr. Phil's show soon
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