Some Quips, Quotes and Really Bad Jokes
Posted: Tuesday, January 06, 2009
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
I imagine starting off 2009; I should do another one of my goofy quotes segments.
I have been keeping the stranger ones I have come up with for the last few years and someday, in the far, far future, I imagine I will pop them into a little book.
Actually, a few of these quips, quotes and really bad jokes came into being in response to an inquiry from one of you Warpies. So in effect this stuff is your fault and not mine. Let's take a look.
I once told my wife we should throw out everything that's worthless. It took me an hour to free myself from the Hefty bag and climb out of the dumpster.
My dad was a die-hard Democrat. I recall telling him if Hitler was still alive and ran for office as a Democrat that dad would vote for him. My dad immediately corrected me and advised that if alive, Hitler would have been a Republican.
I love doing anything that makes my brain hurt.
It reminds me that I have one.
The one really big problem with being an atheist is if you are right, you won't be able to go around and tell everyone you told them so."
I sold my soul once but the devil brought it back under the defective merchandise clause.
I guess I drank too much when I was in my twenties. In fact I ended up in the gutter so much I kept a fresh change of clothes there.
My old worry stone will need to be replaced. It's down to just a pebble. It began as an old bowling ball.
I signed up for an age-appropriate aerobics class. The instructor told us the first day we were going to try and locate our toes and then the next class we were going to try and figure out how we could touch them without using our canes.
I got all excited when I heard the gay rodeo might be coming to town. Then I found out the cowboys are gay and not the livestock. Boy, what a letdown.
My friend keeps getting rejected by the computer dating services.
When they ask him for a description of a perfect mate he asks for a woman who loves to buy beer but hates to drink it.
Although chili is considered a winter meal I can only eat it during the summer since all the windows in the house have to be opened.
I knew I hired the wrong proof reader when he asked me if condiments were apartment buildings or those things a guy uses to prevent getting someone pregnant.
In second grade Sister Mary Arthur read the story of the grasshopper and the ant. If you remember the parable, the grasshopper played all summer while his friend the ant worked furiously stocking up for the coming winter. When the winter came, the grasshopper was going to die in the cold because he hadn't prepared for the winter until the ant invited him into his hole in the ground to spend the winter with him. When Sister Mary Arthur asked me if I understood the meaning of the fable, I told her, "If you are going to goof off all the time, make sure you have a dumb friend you can mooch off of. Sister beat the hell out of me.
There is a law in nature that when it snows every idiot driver in the region gets on the road right behind me.
Have you noticed how when people become rich and famous they also become nuts? I skipped the rich and famous part and just went straight to nuts.
I went out in a snowstorm to walk to the store for a pack of smokes. I was prepared for anything. I even brought salt and pepper just in case I got stranded and had to gnaw off my leg for food.
I firmly believe many of those television remote controls have buttons that don't do anything and manufacturers put them there just to screw with us.
The two jobs with the least amount of potential in America have to be an encyclopedia salesman and a white-out salesman. Both those occupations have less chance of making money than any other except writer of course.
My father taught me not to be prejudiced or bigoted. He told me that regardless of gender, race, nationality or religion I should hate everyone equally
When Marconi invented the radio and turned it on for the first time, there was an ad for an erectile dysfunction pill on the station.
I can honestly say I have never read an owner's manual in my entire life. I never even read the one on me either. Maybe if I had I would have come out differently
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)hi mike,very enjoyable, and light.you reminded me of a story my son told me today. his friend works at a shoprite in the next town. someone came in and ordered a birthday cake for thier son, whose name is adolf hitler, and they wanted Swatstickas on it, and shop-rite refused, and they are suing. (no i didn't know how to spell it, i had to look it up.thanks for a great article,best regards,sue thom
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