Computer Dating; Mike's Redneck and or Slob Computer Dating Service
Posted: Monday, June 09, 2008
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
I'm tired of all these computer dating services. If you look at these people as they ogle each other on the TV commercials, two things are obvious. One, they had similar lie patterns which got them together and two, they are relatively normal people. Since no one is interested in helping goofy people find their soul mates, I am starting my own computer dating service. I thought starting off with those poor maligned rednecks and/or slobs would be a good starting place
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how ugly are you. Please include a recent photo or post office poster of what you look like. Don't try to cheat by sending in a picture of your good looking bloodhound.
2. When you step on a digital scale and the reading says, "low" do you think that means the battery or that you need to gain more weight?
3. From 0 to 32, how many teeth do you have in your mouth? Yes you started out with 32.
4. What brand of beer do you drink? Exclude random partial beers you fish out of dumpsters.
5. If you are in an accident with a beer truck that turns over do you consider that a lucky day?
6. How large is your bumper sticker collection? Does your vehicle have a bumper?
7. Do you prefer to belch or fart? Can you do either to music?
8. How many illegitimate children do you have? Exclude those you made within your own family.
9. How many tattoos do you have? If less than ten, stop this survey as no one will date you.
10. Are you having any problems getting your regular welfare checks and food stamps?
11. Have you ever used bait for a snack when the icebox was empty?
12. Have you ever had sex with the same gender? Exclude grandparents.
13. Is it hard to walk in your small living room because of all the animal heads sticking out of the walls?
14. Can you tell the difference between a urinal and a drinking fountain? Does it matter to you?
15. If your old dog gets tired cleaning his gonads, do you finish up for him?
16. Have you ever killed a raccoon or possum with a bow and arrow in your living room?
17. Do you have any idea how to spell any idea?
18. Did you steal this computer or are you using the one at Bubba's Bait Shop, Girlie Bar, and Computer Coffee House?
19. When you hear about global warming do you think they are talking about your testicles while you are reading Playboy?
20. Do you sniff clothes that have been lying on the floor and if they don't smell too bad put them on?
21. Have you ever had your truck freeze up outside in the winter because you have an elk carcass hanging in the garage where the truck normally goes?
22. If by accident you put your cigarette butt out by dropping it in a full can of beer, do you still drink the beer? Do you dry the cigarette butt out and smoke it later if you run out of smokes?
23. Do you think a "shotgun wedding" means the in-laws buy you a shotgun for a wedding present?
25. Do you use diesel fuel to run your truck, your lawn tractor, your barbecue grill and as a sauce on your meats and poultries?
26. Did you even notice there wasn't a question 24 on this survey? Please fill these questions out as best you can and forward your answers along with $9.95 in cash to;
www.faksredneckandorslobcomputerdatingservice
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Top-level comments on this article: (6 total)And of course I waited until AFTER lunch to read this! I'm glad to see you're going for the niche market, Mike. If this is successful, you could try branching out into other small markets. I'll bet if you'd start a dating service for terrorists you could really make a... (wait for it) ...killing! :DThanks Danny. A great idea. Those poor terrorists probably have trouble finding dates since they all blow themselves up so often. I'll work on that one. Mike
Ok Mike. I thought this was so funny that I had to show it to my family members. My brothers are trying to figure out how they are suposed to e mail you the cash, so they can fill out the questions. You will have great success with the dating service. Seriously, question 15 may be a bit much though. That is gross!!!Actually question 15 means with a wash cloth Laura. Shame on you for thinking otherwise. I will get a PO box so I can start collecting moulah. thanks Mike
Have you been watching Dr. Phil?Sorry Ken. I don't watch Dr. Obvious Cliche but I'll bet that son-of-a-gun has tried this before hasn't he?
i didn't get number 2 ....... i meant item 2 on you article ....... how come your column isn't called "The Bare Faks with Fak"? or even "The Bare Faks with Fak?"Hi VL. In the states we have digital scales and when the battery is weak the scale shows low and doesn't register a weight. My scale has been on low for five years and it really helps when I think I'm gaining weight that a machine refuses to tell me how much I weigh. Thanks for reading. Mike
Mike, this is hilarious! I had a nose job with a few of them. Gross! Guess what? I started a "computer dating service" but I call it a "relationship service." I had to find out what you were saying about them. You did not disappoint.Thanks Avis. I hope your nose is alright. Mike
Mike, I answered #24, maybe and she was a blondie. Jim
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