Calamitous Government Report Leaked by Accident
Posted: Tuesday, April 01, 2008
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
Although I keep this slot on Searchwarp for a poor attempt at humor, from time to time a news story is so important that I have to yield to information superceding a laugh. Especially when the news is no laughing matter.
It is being reported by various sources that by error, a government document pertaining to the year 2032 fly by of a comet has been disseminated to various other persons than those initially intended.
It had earlier been stated that the comet, named after the Mayan god of falling objects, would come close but that appears to not be the truth and an obvious cover up has been in play by the President and his staff.
The comet, currently the size of Rhode Island is being forewarned by astronomers as a possible planet ending calamity that the government has decided to leave us in the dark about.
The comet, like many celestial bodies, was first noted four years ago by accident. A young woman in Omagosh, Michigan, named Dinah Sauer, was programming her new GPS system she received for Christmas when she made an errant calculation. Rather than putting in the coordinates of the local hair salon, she accidentally synchronized her trip with a section of the galaxy that the comet was currently traveling through. The woman, thinking something might be amiss when she noted her destination was coming to her rather than she to her destination, called authorities who whisked the woman off to Guantanamo. This information was kept under wraps until almost all observatories started noticing a bright light in their telescopes coming directly at them and started reporting the comet's probable encounter with our planet.
Although the White House has stated the comet will come close but with no cigar, there are indisputable facts that support the claim that this chunk of flaming rock will actually be able to light and then incinerate everyone's cigar. There are secondary reports that make this information all the more plausible.
First are the reports that Trucks carrying the logo, "Little Debbie Snack Cakes" are pulling into Fort Knox every night and leaving before dawn for a trip to Area 51 with axles low on their tires. These stories are also coupled with documentation that several trainloads of common bricks and fifty-five-gallon drums of gold leaf paint have also been seen pulling into Fort Knox on a frequent basis.
Secondly is that the probable end to this planet is the only logical explanation why no one in government is worried about anything. Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, a national debt, open borders and a hundred other problems would normally be concern for people in government but, not if they know things aren't going to be around much longer. Then who cares if we need to keep printing money and who cares if China ends up running the world. It's a goner pretty soon anyway. Let the cockroaches and China have the place all to themselves. Besides we won't have to pay back the loans so who will be laughing then.
The gold being sent to area 51 is another telltale sign that some officials are getting ready to go on the lamb with the only thing the frequent visitors from Alpha Centauri will accept as payment for taxi service. Within a few years, it is believed everyone in charge of this country will disappear one night never to be heard from again. At least when we sit back and watch a ball of flame coming right at us no one will be around to tell us things will be fine when we damn well know they won't be.
Happy April 1 st everyone. Did I get you at least for a second?
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Not funny Mike Fak!! I don't hear any dinosaurs laughing...and why not? Because they were all killed by an asteroid! How insensitive Mike, this is so unlike you! And your poke at Guantanamo, how callous of you...oh hell, I can't keep going with a straight face. Man I love your writing style, very clever and I find myself laughing out loud all the time. I probably just paid you the best compliment a writer could hope for by admitting you stir emotion in one of your readers... it's the best feeling in the world, huh? Well, besides that big advancement check for your next book, or a flock of fans in line for your book signing, or the hoards of female groupies on your book tour..okay, never mind about the compliment being all that imporatant and special. I still love your stuff Mike and I want to be just like you when I grow up! Hey you can use that for your slogan if you want..."Be like Mike" or something along those lines. lolI don't do book tours. I did one and everyone thought I was Burl Ives. Then I lost all the weight and then they thought I was Ravi Shankar. Actually, I have been so busy helping others with their books that mine will have to wait for the next time around. But I'm having fun without worrying about book promotion. Plus the groupies from the nursing homes were starting to get tiring as they all wanted me to sign their walkers. Thanks for the kind words. Mike
All I know is when we find out where ground zero is, every politician the world over needs to be standing right...on...that...spot...!Now that is a bulleye my friend. Thanks Mike
DeNADA - Absolutely hilarious!! Love it. Happy April, Mike!I'm glad at least one person caught that Jean. You have a happy April too. Mike
I dunno, Mike. those Little Debbie trucks may have guaranteed someone was watching that covert operation. As always, you had me laughing!Thanks LM. I had to use that company's name because Little Debbie Snack Cakes are my favorite fruit. Mike
Important news, Mike, thanks for getting it out there for us all to worry over. One little problem, however; Apropos isn't the name of the Mayan god of falling objects – I believe that it's a Greek word. The Mayan god of falling objects is named "Thud"...
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