IRS Rebate Check has Blunderous Possibilities
Posted: Thursday, March 13, 2008
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
Well, thanks to my utter failure at being a success, I find myself eligible for $600 big ones from the government sometime this summer. If I actually was living large, I wouldn't get a dime but since I have found my niche firmly entrenched in the middle class I get to dream of what I will do with this magnanimous gift from King George and the high rollers.
The first option is I could take the family, the three of us, to a major league baseball game. After adding parking, a few hot dogs, beers, sodas, and a small souvenir, that should shoot the check right in the rump. I could sit in the stands watching players who make $20 million a year strike out or miss fielding a batted ball before going on the post game show to tell me and everyone else how they wished they could stay in town but a team too cheap to give them another raise doesn't deserve them.
I could use the money to buy an old horse. I have checked around and as if by divine providence, old horses run about $600 bucks in these parts. I'm tired of giving my gas money to Arabs or Venezuelans or American oil companies who just use my money to build more mansions and second gymnasiums in the ones they already have. I would rather just take a horse around town and hope I don't have to go back to my old career as a contractor. I imagine an old horse would have a serious problem lugging me and several ladders around town.
I could use the check to buy enough steel rod and coaxial cable to build a two-hundred-foot tower off my house. That way I could tell the cable television company to go to Hades as I now have the ability to watch stations emanating from Japan let alone from surrounding big cities. Local planes might have a problem but I will be damned if I will install a light at the top of the mast that will cause my utility bill to go any higher. I already plan to use the electric meter as a meat slicer for Easter.
I could use the check as a down payment on one of those corn burning systems. Corn is everywhere here in Central Illinois. I might be able to buy the dregs from a field cheaper than the spot market which keeps climbing thanks to the silly push towards ethanol. I know the conversion kit is necessary as last year when I just threw corn into my furnace all it did was leave me with three feet of burnt popcorn in the basement.
I'm not sure but maybe $600 is enough to bribe a state official into revoking my birth right citizenship. I figure if I become an illegal alien, I can get all kinds of stuff for free. I'm tired of paying for car insurance and health insurance plus following all these stupid laws that illegals just ignore. In Borneo there actually is a province called Fak Fak (look it up) and I can swear allegiance to them. The residents are in fact cannibals but if the price of food keeps going up, my left leg, which looks awfully good some days, might be an entre some night at the dinner table. Maybe I can even get my house listed as a consulate. That way I can declare diplomatic immunity and do whatever I want.
I suppose I could use the money to buy something "Made in America" but I am having trouble finding anything "Made in America" including the "Made in America" stickers that would be on something if in fact it was actually made here rather than made somewhere else and merely assembled here.
Maybe I should just put the check in the bank. That way when the bank goes bust for making really stupid loans I can use the $600 write off on next year's taxes.
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Excellent piece Mike! I already know where my check is going...back to the IRS for back taxes. I had an audit recently and the agent said I could not deduct the office expences I had claimed as a legitimate business deduction because i hadn't earned any money using the claimed paper, paper clips, ink cartridges, etc. I was certailnly glad to hear I was the only writer in 2005 to spend any money on manuscripts, printing and postage, NOT to have actually sold anything. I'm confused however when I go to writer's forums and many comments are posted asking how can they get their work accepted by a publisher. If I were them, I wouldn't make that fact known because the IRS is on a witch hunt for folks who have spent money pursuing a dream that hasn't paid off! God I'm really begining to hate our GovernmentThanks again for visiting Myla. Yes, the IRS frowns on start up costs for writers but it makes little sense since any physical business or store has much more in start up costs that they accept readily. I have been told the number one audit for modest income people is the use of home as a business location and expense. The writer's forums can be mentally tough on a new writer as you read the morass of people trying to find real work that pays more than a dollar a day. I personally don't hate the government. But almost all the people in the government are on my crap list. Feel free to chat with me anytime if you want ideas. My e-mail is listed in my bio. I enjoy spending time with writers. Thanks again. Mike
Mike, Taxes, taxes, taxes, we can either work for the government (employee, self employed--sometimes it's worse for them) or let the government work for us (business owner, investor) by creating jobs and affordable housing. After spending a good many years working for three entities (government, banks, credit card companies), I'm done. Over recent years I've gone to many a wealth and investment seminar (going to one tomorrow, as a matter of fact), read, watched DVD's and listened to pod casts, on and on. The realization is that "you'd have to be brain dead not to own a business." Not my words, but the words of one of those seminar guys. But the sentiment is well taken. I'm done working for the man, and I'm letting the man work for me, taking my taxes down from 42% to singles digits. Halleluiah, US government! With the death of the pension, social security, Medicare, and the almighty dollar, I've gone to the dark side! I used ta hate ya but now you're my friend, Mr. Government Man. Bring on the 15th, BABY!!!Ah Jeff you are done working for the man and are becoming the man. It has lousy hours by the way. But it beats the alternatives. Mike
hi mike, i enjoyed your flair in this article. makes it fun to read. i could use 600 dollars, or the 300 that would be split in the divorce! i, dear sir, would buy as many pair of pajamas as i could. can't beat the luxury. thanks for a well written article, best regards, sue thomPajamas are a posssibility as long as they are Dr. Dentons with the feet and the flap. Thanks Sue. Mike
Was it Walt Whitman or Mike Fak that once said, “This is what you shall do; love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God . . . . . “ You're a great writer with insight Mike. Thanks......eThanks Anon/e. It could have been me since I seem to have devoted my income to others....by accident. I do enjoy standing up for the stupid and crazy. As Father Damian said on the island of Molokai, "My fellow lepers". Thanks for reading. Mike
Mike I just love your work. All the best - RTMThanks RTM. I enjoy reading all your works on the economy. Or should I say the lack of an economy. Mike
I loved this article! Gee, do you think we should save our check for gas in case it goes up to $5.00 a gallon or maybe we could "splurge" on bread and milk?Thanks for stopping by Lisa. I look forward to all fluids be of equal price. Milk, beer, gas all at $5.00 per gallon. Yes that means beer will be a bargain and we all will need that if this keeps up. Mike
A great article. I laughed all the way through it and this is only because it is better than crying. Our nation (America) better wake up soon and take back Washington D.C. by getting those losers to listen to us, the people. They (collectively) do not even know what the price of gasoline is because they do not pump gas. They (politicians) do not even have to pay SSI because they are on an even better plan, that they get for life and for FREE! Thanks for a great story. Sad that it is true!Thanks to you Mr. Keith. Yes, the politicians get driven around in limos and don't pay for gas but they do consume it to the point we pay more and more. I agree we have to laugh or we will go crazy.
Hey Mike, I plan on spending my windfall in the state of the hanging chad, which has now been joined by Michigan in the race for most ridiculous election fiasco. At least there is some competition this year!There is that,Ken. Nothing like two states having an election primary that didn't count. Thanks for stopping by. Mike
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