Your 2008 Horoscopes, Swami Fak’s Predictions.
Posted: Thursday, January 03, 2008
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
From time to time I receive an inquiry into whether I would be interested in writing horoscopes. Twice in the last three months I was asked if I would do humorous ones. It looks like funny astrologers must be at a premium these days. The offers are never very good and I'm certain that's why when I read someone's funny horoscopes they aren't very funny. Now I'm not saying I'm funny. I am past the point of writing for 50 cents an hour however so I have passed on becoming an astrologer for the masses.
Aries, March 21-Apri1 19; your biggest problem is when you drink too much the opposite sex looks younger and thinner to you. You need to quit the hard stuff and just stay with beer which will only make them look thinner.
Taurus, April 20-May20; you will lose your job this year. That underwear you lost last month will be found by your boss on his ceiling fan during spring cleaning. You should have stopped putting your name in the back of your shorts after college.
Gemini, May 21-June20; As your sign moves further away from the zenith, your hopes of having a coupling with the Anderson twins next door will become less and less likely.
Cancer, June 21-July22; since Jupiter is aligned with Mars you should be regular providing you don't continue to eat the entire cheese ball at Aunt Gertie's every time you go there for a party.
Leo, July 23-August 22; you need to stop being a writer. It will do you no good and only make your real life tougher. Statistics show that nine out of ten writers are starving. The other one is already dead. Look into professional eating as a new hobby as it's obvious you are good at stuffing yourself until you can't move.
Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22; you will be badly beaten up this year. You need to learn that eating jalapeno poppers and double bowls of chili the night before restrict you from riding to work the next day on a crowded bus or train.
Libra, September 23-October 22; that favorite star you and your lover like to look at every night really is becoming brighter and brighter. That isn't a sign your love is growing stronger. The star you picked out is a million ton asteroid on a collision course with your hot tub sometime in late August.
Scorpio, October 23-November21; you will break several bones this next year. During the painting of your house you will step back to admire your work while still near the top of the extension ladder.
Sagittarius, November 22-December 21; you will be sued this year and lose everything. No one will fault you for getting fed up with your computer and throwing it out the window. The problem is you should have noticed the mailman below before you did.
Capricorn, December 22-January 19; you will realize you have gotten old when you go to renew your driver's license. After decades of being asked if you wanted to be an organ donor, the clerk will now ask you if you need any.
Aquarius, January 20-February 18; your star will be in the house of Aquarius all year. That means if you buy that boat it will sink and you will drown. Your spouse will have a great year, by the way, after the drowning.
Pisces, Feb 19-March 20; you are starting to be more practical. Your taking a Viagra just before you go to bed is a good idea. You roll around way to much in your sleep. The pill's effects will keep you from rolling off the bed. Nope there aren't any other reasons for taking the pill. Your wife paid me to tell you that by the way.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)OMG! I'm a Leo! What will I do? I have a friend who is a Sag and he is ready to throw his computer out the window. I'll warn him about the mailman. My sister is a Cancer and is famous for her...er...troubles. Great article!I'm a Leo too Dianne. Perhaps that little blip in my birthday month is a Fakian, I mean Freudian slip. Thanks for reading. Mike
Great post, I'd love to be paid to write anything! Funny horoscopes would be a dream. I by the way am Pisceas, and I do have trouble sleeping! It's all true except for the viagra. ;)Thanks for the kind words creative. I understand the search for paid writing jobs is tough but don't sell yourself short. You are young, keep building that portfolio. Thanks again. Mike
Well I haven't exactly been looking for paid writing jobs and I ain't that young either ;) I'll apply myself at some point. Meanwhile I forcast that celebrity hijack winner for the UK 2008 will be Anthony (boxer)...no idea what his star sign his, but judging by the females in the house visible 'signs' of attraction, he'll be the one!I'll have to take your word for that. Compared to one as old as the hills themselves you are a youngster. Take care. Mike
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