Blundering Through a Motorcycle Accident; In the Living Room
Posted: Monday, December 10, 2007
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
This personal blunder started mildly enough. An aunt had died who had just received from Medicare a mini-scooter so she could putt around her neighborhood without having to extend herself physically. The scooter was a small knockdown version of what most scooters are like and after a quick disassembly, would easily fit in a normal car's trunk for transport. Now my son Timothy has Cerebral Palsy and uses a full size scooter to get around campus at college. The thought of having this tinier version available for shopping and travel excursions grabbed my interest so we bought it from the estate at a fair price. This is where the blunder began.
Now the weather had already turned for the worst around here so I decided to drive the scooter on the NASCAR sanctioned indoor track I have in my home.
I didn't prepare myself properly however for this upcoming race against all the best drivers in the world who I imagined would be in the race with me. No goggles, no fire retardant suit. Worst of all I failed to don a flak jacket. I will explain in a moment.
The Mike Fak Memorial Indoor Racetrack is a fairly simple course. A double living room straightaway with a left turn into the front foyer, another left turn down the hallway into a quick double chicane area where the stairway and a sideboard make for a close fit and then a sharp turn back into the straightaway.
Without preparation and little thought as always, I hopped on this baby and the race had begun. For a while things were going fine. Of course in my mind I was in the lead as I further distanced myself from the competition. The little scooter that bragged of going up to eight miles an hour was proving itself well. With the wind in my face I saw no way I wasn't going to win another, "Mikey-is-an-idiot" trophy
On one of the laps, I saw Jackson the cat sitting on the stairs. I could tell from her look she wanted me to stop and place her on my lap but I couldn't. My estimates showed that a pit stop right then might cost me the race and I couldn't do that. Not with victory so close at hand.
And then came what all professional racers dread: the accident.
Coming out of turn three, I mean the hallway, back into the living room, I cut the scooter too tightly and it tipped over. Now only at this one point in the track are their any external obstacles that might be considered as dangerous. A built in bookcase with a lower protruding shelf of drawers carries a sharp oak edge about 18 inches off the ground. For many years that edge had been protected with a bath towel as my son toddled and bumped and banged around the house. Oh if only that towel was still there. What was my wife thinking taking that towel off the corner? Especially since there was still a clumsy kid in the house.
According to the coroner's report which he regrettably did not get to file, "At 3:32 p.m. The owner of the home after flying off his handicapped scooter landed squarely on the corner of the bookcase, cracking two ribs and extensively bruising his back muscles. Regrettably I was not able to perform an autopsy on this man who wrote a column endorsing the person who ran against me."
As an eye witness to the accident, I can fill you in with better details. First off I felt my entire ribcage, go forward and slam into the front of my chest skin and bounce back hard. I heard things crunching and was in so much pain I thought at first I would have to be carted away in an ambulance. I didn't enjoy that thought as I once wrote a column talking about changing ambulance services. I could just see the guys driving around looking for bumpy streets and potholes before dropping me off at the local veterinarian.
Yelling feebly for my wife, she came slowly enough with the first question she always finds it necessary to ask when I beg her to come quickly. "Are you really hurt or just screwing around again?" When I advised her I was indeed severely damaged goods she told me the cookies would be done in three minutes and she recommended I change my pants before we go to the emergency room.
Now anyone who ever cracked ribs, and my cracks were dandies, knows everything is fine as long as you don't sneeze or cough or breathe. As my luck would have it I caught a winter cold which made for a very long past week. I might write a murder mystery now as I know exactly how it feels to be stabbed in the back, over and over again.
One small advantage to not being able to do anything including live without pain is that all my writing clients have been getting their work returned remarkably fast. Sitting on a hard chair at this computer is all this professional racer can do right now.
I am thinking of putting up a commemorative bronze statue at the crash site. My wife doesn't care although she recommends the statue be an opposite of Rodin's "The Thinker".
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Top-level comments on this article: (8 total)Mike, I sincerely hope you are feeling better very soon. Maybe I should some day write an article about the time I tried to kill the mosquito in the bathroom (my husband is allergic to them) before it could bite him. There wasn't much space between the bathtub (cast iron) and the toilet and I'm not a big person, but it was still pretty hard getting me unwedged. Mainly because he couldn't get me to let go of my head.That story sounds like something I would do. I hope you do write it all down for us warpies to read. Thanks Mike
Sorry about the tragedy Mike. That wind whipping across the plains of Champaign/Urbana can't be helpful. Hang in there buddy and no more races for awhile! PS. Going to Chicago Thursday. My son works at O'hare Airport as a manager for the tram system. I've got my heavy jacket out. I'm a Scottsdale cream-puff. Happy Holidays.Hello James. I'm sure Chicago weather can be harsh on you warm climate folks. Don't feel bad, the caribou in Alaska don't want to be in Chciago in the winter either. Thanks for reading Mike
Mike, I guess you proved that winter can be as dangerous inside as outside. Please be more careful, we would miss you!Thank you Marjory. I will try. Of course all the ice around here isn't much fun but I have given up the idea of snowmobile racing so I should be safe. Thanks for stopping by. Mike
Mike, Cracked ribs are nothing to laugh about,but why am I laughing? Are you drinking again? Great piece Mike. Hang in there buddy!I could use some whiskey but I would probably choke from it and then my ribs would start hurting. I am better my friend. I will send you an E-mail when the dedication of the ten foot tall bronze statue memorial is ready for unveiling. Take care. Mike.
*giggling* shhhh, Avis, for goodness sake! The man has cracked ribs!! Are they baby backs?!?! I'm wondering!! ooooOoo forgive me, Mike! I couldn't resist. It's because of your great sense of humor that I did that and as Pooley did. I'm laughing. I'm also so very sorry for your accident. Please be more careful! And, recover soon. No more personal blunders requiring hospital visits and the like! We want a well Mike Fak, back! Not a wounded one. As usual, you're da bomb! Did the scooter survive?Ah finally someone asked THE important question. There isn't a scratch on the scooter. That was the first thing my wife looked at while I was rolling around in pain. Thanks for reading Mike
Hey, at least you had a scooter to get around while you were recuperating, right?!Oh now that's just dirt mean Jean. I'm laughing by the way. I'm thinking of getting a motorcycle tattoo. I think HARDLY Davidson might be a good one. Thanks. Mike
hi mike, a keyboard can be a life saver at times such as this. i've had 2 cracked ribs, and i know the pain. i also know now that there is absolutely nothing one can do to suppress a sneeze if it wants to come out! it took 6 months to recover, so be careful as they are healing! i have my partner's electric wheelchair parked in my family room, thanks for talking me out of racing around the house-this one goes 25 miles an hour! what fun you could have... rest up, best to you, sue thomThanks for reading Sue. I imagine it is illegal for a klutz like me to get in a wheelchair that goes that fast. Yeh, although I'm much much better, the sneezes are the real killers. Thanks for stopping by. Mike
No helmet. No CE approved armor? I think our politicians need to pass safety regulations to save wheel chair operators from themselves. DonYeh and don't forget I didn't have a seat belt either. Thanks for reading. Mike
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