Thanksgiving Week Extravaganza of Blunders.

If you have any age on yourself, you have probably had to change a flat tire somewhere in your life. Now finding the jack and getting the car up in the air can be a real chore in itself. Of course there is always one lug nut that just won’t come loose like the rest of them.

Well in Southworth Washington, a 66-year-old man was having that very problem and made a decision that made things a little worse than they had to be. It seems the gentleman; working on restoring his old Lincoln Town Car had tried everything from a heating torch to axle grease to try and break the last nut free from the axle. So, he did what any self respecting American would do. He got out his trusty shotgun and tried to blast the nut off the thread. Of course, the man who snuck up on the lug nut, was only an arm’s length away when he let the nut have it and peppered himself with shot, shrapnel, car fender…but no lug nut. The man who had to have surgery to remove parts of the Lincoln from his body has sworn revenge and hospital staff believe him. The wife is none too happy as the shootist will need help getting around for a while and she dreads lugging the nut around town.

In Australia political correctness has really gone amuck. Sydney’s Santa Clauses have been advised to revamp their merry chant of “ho ho ho’ to something less offensive such as “ha ha ha".   It has been reported that the U.S. based firm (that explains this) in charge of hiring Santa has been so scared by what not to say that they have asked their fraudulent St Nicks not to use a word that is slang in this country for a prostitute. The ever stable Aussies think this is nuts and have advised their Santa’s they can use the term as they have for decades. It was pointed out most three-year-olds don’t know American slang for a hooker. If this silliness becomes pervasive on the continent, one would imagine they won’t be able to call people they meet, “mate". That obviously could be construed as wanting to have sex with the acquaintance. My reporters have found out that one Santa has refused to say anything but “Whaddya want kid" The Santa bears an amazing resemblance to Don Imus.

In Houston, Texas, NASA has suspended all space walks until tests can be run on a spacesuit that has a smoky smell inside of it after being worn during a ground test. The suit which was worn by astronaut Charles (stinky) Fishburn seemed to smell like charred something or other according to officials. One interviewee said he hadn’t smelled anything that bad since Alan Shepard was forced to pee in his suit during America’s first space mission. There is the possibility of a short in a wire that could have made the smell but reports that Fishburn had a chili cheese dog with hot peppers the night before has not been ruled out as the cause.

Cows broke loose from a travel trailer in Westhaven, Utah after the one cow that could read noticed their owner was pulling into a McDonald’s parking lot. The eight cows, who steered clear of the fast food building, took off moo-ving as fast as they could from what they felt was probable extinction between a sesame seed bun smeared with special sauce. One of the cows did stay around the dumpster and it isn’t certain if the bovine has suicidal tendencies or smelled the remains of a family member. The farmer said something similar happened to him the previous year when his trailer full of pigs bolted their confines shortly after he pulled into a Bob Evans for a breakfast sandwich.

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a medical student landed a warsaw grouper weighing an astounding 359.1 pounds. The fish, that will be filleted and used to feed Louisiana children…all of them, was the largest grouper ever landed but only by a mere 12 ounces. The grouper, just slightly smaller than a Volvo, was caught at a secret fishing site the med student won’t share with anyone including his friends. The two friends he brought with were required to wear blindfolds until they reached the area approximately 70 miles offshore of Fourchon, La. The spot which is close to an oil rig shouldn’t be too hard to find since oil rigs do have a tendency to be obvious in the water. There is an unconfirmed report that the grouper, after finally being brought on boat, was wearing a hard hat and steel toed shoes. Another report that Elmer Frick, an old, fat deckhand on the oil rig is missing is a follow up story to this fish tale. Police are advising those imbibing of the grouper to call their offices if they find an LSU class of 69 ring in their fillet.

It is a given women use their heads more than men but not to this extreme it should be hoped. In Gainesville, Georgia, a woman was hit in the head by an airplane preparing to take off. Fortunately for the lady, she decided to stick her head in front of a small Piper rather than a Boeing 767. Airport officials don’t know why the woman walked in front of the craft and that’s the “plane" truth. They plan on interviewing her just as soon as the wing light is removed from her ear.

In another story of a female using her head a bit much, a woman in Marysville, California was hit in the head by a Union Pacific freight train. This woman who had just found the bottom of a bottle of whiskey told authorities she was just goofing around and tried to wave down the train. The train speeding by, footballed the woman some 20 to 30 yards without losing an ounce of steam. Hospital officials state the woman will be just fine but right now she feels like she was hit by a freight train.

There is no fury like a woman scorned or buffaloed by an ex-husband. That maxim rang true in Meridian Idaho when two former spouses got into a heated argument at the ex-husband’s home. For some reason, the man stormed out of the house, leaving his ex-wife to decide what havoc to wreck on a home belonging to someone she obviously hates. After the usual throwing of objects that could be broken easily, the woman decided to torch the bison head that hung on the wall in the den. Before the head and the house went up in flames, a friend of the bison and ex-husband extinguished the burning buffalo head.

Charges against the woman will include illegal cremation of an endangered species and the destruction of fur-nishings belonging to another. On the upside, the town has already asked the woman to be Grand Marshall at next summer’s Bison-tennial celebration.

In Joplin Missouri, a black mutt named Radar has decided he wants to live with the vet and staff who fixed him last month. Of course if you have ever asked a dog what he thinks of the operation, the last word he would ever use is “fixed". The dog, with the name Radar obviously was able to find his way back to the clinic where he lost his manhood and is being adopted by the staff. Radar’s owner, deciding he no longer wanted the pooch has allowed the vet to keep him as an official mascot. No doubt the clinic expects Radar to “dog talk" other male bowsers about to be neutered that the operation isn’t a bad deal and not to put up a fight over losing their manhood. A website called makemorepuppies.org, which is run by a Golden Retriever, has listed Radar as the most hated dog in America. Radar has growled back that if he can’t have anything worth licking neither should any other male dog.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!