A Personal Blunder, a Python and Tobacco Spitters in the News
Posted: Thursday, October 25, 2007
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
I have to be fair in all of this. If I make fun of other people in the news then I have to make fun of myself when I deserve it. Since I brought this up on my radio program, one can determine this was a news piece so you all might as well get a laugh at my expense.
From Central Illinois it was reported internet columnist and radio host Mike Fak almost went on air with a serious gaff in his personal wardrobe. While preparing to go to the Atlanta radio station for his Friday morning talk show, Mike felt he was forgetting something as he went out the door of his home.
A quick turnaround, a grab of his choppers and Mike made it on air on time with a smile that didnt look like a mole hole in a dirt yard. Mike says he intends to visit a jeweler to have holes drilled in his choppers so that he can wear them around his neck when he isnt wearing them in his head. A nice 14 carat gold chain will probably be his choice to add a little class to his appearance.
In the Big Apple a woman was shocked while washing her face in her third floor apartments bathroom sink. A look in her mirror saw a pair of eyes behind her staring at her from under the downed toilet seat. A closer inspection revealed a seven-foot-long python doing his impersonation of a Roto Rooter. When the woman screamed, the snake went back down the pipe and remained there while firefighters busted into lower floor pipes in order to nab the slinky toilet dweller. Now the python was apprehended between the first and second floor pipes and has been given a decent home since it wasnt his fault he ended up in the sewer system. He had previously tried to buy a GPS but the store clerks had all run from him before he could get to the checkout.
The woman says she still has a problem sitting down on the stool and has resorted to using her childs porta potty to alleviate herself. It was not explained how a grown woman can actually use one of those miniature johns. I know if I sat down in my son's old mini-stool, I would be wearing it until an operation could retrieve the device safely. Since fire personnel tore up neighbors plumbing it is unknown how they are currently relieving themselves as the apartments one porta potty is currently stuck, I mean being used by the woman.
As for the python, the Animal Channels pet psychic had a conversation with the snake and found out his visit to the woman was not ill-tempered or mean spirited. It seems the python was trying to ask the woman to please not eat any more barbecued beef with Tabasco sauce on it
Many individuals believe laws often create slippery slopes. In Arkansas not passing one might cause a slippery floor. What I'm talking about is a heated statehouse debate on whether or not lawmakers should continue to have their chaw of tobacco and hand held spittoons while in chambers. The nasty habit is the last bastion for tobacco users as the state has already banned all other smoking products in public buildings. The lawmakers chawed back and forth as to whether the practice of walking around with a mouth full of tobacco and their portable spittoons should go the way of cigars and cigarettes.
Fortunately for the male legislators (I hope these are men) their ability to walk around with nasty brown smiles was not spit upon by a large enough majority requiring they swallow rather than regurgitate into a small cup. There is a possibility the law will be brought up for a vote again with rewritten language. Several of the very old legislators are not very proficient with getting their spit wads into their spittoons and the law might be revisited stating anyone who chews has to be able to hit the cups they hold 98% of the time. The old timers expect this law to slip away along with the people who walk by their desks. No one, by the way, wants to shake hands with them on this deal.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Mike, I'm in stitches over your "choppers" but could have nightmares about he python! See the dilemma you've placed my emotions?! Thanks for the laughs! No comment on the possible nightmares. Great, entertaining article!Thanks for reading Avis. It was pretty funny and I'm glad it gave you a laugh. My nightmare is I drop my choppers in the toilet and a python pops up wearing my smile. Thanks again. Mike
Oh Mike! You are a warped man... (re: your response to Avis) I knew you fit well in this community of writers!Like a glove LM. I am an out of whack Fak for certain. Thanks for reading Mike
You don't look old enough to have dentures! How long can a python hold its breath, anyway? Awww, the virtures of having a septic tank.Thanks for reading Dianne. As far as the picture, I follow the old newspaper columnist adage that says to use a picture of yourself from high school. If you want to know what I look like now, buy a kiwi fruit and leave it in the sun for a month. Thanks again Mike
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