Atomic Bombs and Animals Lead the News This Week
Posted: Tuesday, September 11, 2007
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
From nuclear bombs going for a joy ride, to a kidnapped cat, a millionaire dog and a moose on the loose, the news this past week has shown that the world we live in is a very strange one indeed. Let's take a look at some of these stories that one would think were written by a fiction writer.
From 1969 through 1971, I was in the Army Material Command as a security specialist. My job as a goofy twenty-one-year-old draftee was to go and lock myself into a giant safe on the east coast and watch a huge board of sensors displaying the electronic security measures in place around some 100 buildings which all housed nuclear weapons. Now I never thought it made sense that I had that job. I'm not sure any drafted youngster should, but there I was guarding enough material that if someone got their hands on it they could have caused Cleveland Ohio to start selling ocean front property.
It seems that the ground support crew didn't notice the missiles they were attaching had the old skull and cross bones markings all over them. It also seems that the flight crew of the bomber did a good job of kicking the tires but didn't take a gander at what they had attached to their wings.
Now the flight was uneventful until landing of course. That is when a ground support crew who did know what they were doing asked the pilot what the heck he was doing with nukes under his wings.
The Air Force is quick to mention that the flight crew and ground support crew have all been de-certified in the handling of nuclear weapons. I'm not sure if that's the central issue. Since nothing happened they all seem to know how to handle nukes, they just don't appear to know what one looks like.
It was suggested that the missiles get painted different colors to help munitions handlers and flyers to know which ones are nukes and which ones are only carrying something basic and simple, like napalm. The Air Force wasn't able to do this since all the paint they have was made in China and contains too much lead which of course would shield people from the radiation in the bombs.
Well, it seems Trouble, the rich and infamous dog of deceased hotel heiress Leona Helmsley is all over the news again. You would think once a dog inherits $12 million, it would go off somewhere and stay out of the news but it seems Trouble is aptly named.
The brother of Helmsley, Alvin Rosenthall, has refused to watch the pooch now that Leona has checked into another type of hotel. The brother must really hate this dog as the thought of billing fine foods, liquors and a full cable television package besides a luxury pooch mobile all because the dog likes them is what would come into my mind if I was in charge of a millionaire tree tinkler.
Maybe this little dog really is as rotten as people say since a former maid is now suing the pup for excessive gnawing on her while in the employ of Helmsley. The dog who currently refuses to bark except through its attorney will be represented in court by a German shepherd named Killer.
Mattel, one of the nations leading toy manufacturers is worried about their image since millions of toys made for the company by Chinese workers are being recalled for everything from lead paint to pieces that conveniently come off when a child decides their toy is a potential beef jerky.
I don't know how a company that farms all their labor overseas can even think they have a positive image to protect but it seems Mattel is worried that this Christmas, parents might buy clothes made in Indonesia for their kids rather than toys from China.
The worst of the recalls this time is for a series of accessories for their ever popular Barbie Doll. The doll, now having nothing to wear, has refused to go out with Ken which has caused a serious rift between the two. The Ken Doll, seen last week at a Hollywood gala with G.I. Joe says he never was or is gay but the toys are starting to talk. The rumor Ken and Idaho senator Larry Craig were both seen in the Minneapolis airport restroom cannot be confirmed. Mattel also refutes stories that a new wide-stance Ken doll will be coming on the market.
Showing just how milquetoast our nation has become, Mexico's new president, Felipe Calderon has admonished us for making the rules in our own country and our government says nothing to challenge his dumb statements. The Mexican president, who is already so unpopular that he had to give his first State of the Union in front of supporters rather than the Mexican congress, says that America has no right to build fences, stop the flood of illegal immigrants or tell Mexicans what to do. Showing a total disdain for our sovereignty, Calderon said wherever a Mexican is, that is Mexico. I will go along with that since I plan a trip to Mexico next month and intend to claim the Cancun resort area totally mine, since wherever Mike Fak is, that is Mike Fak's property.
To date President Bush has failed to tell the new Mexican president he is screwy. I believe someone needs to tell our president that telling a foreign power they can't tell us what we can, or cannot do won't be unpopular. Maybe someone needs to tell the Republicans that they don't need to try and be politically correct with a group of individuals who can't vote in the next election. Or is that the next right we plan on giving someone who is here illegally?
Well, we had a dog story so in a sincere effort to remain politically correct here is a cat story. In Rhode Island, a man has been charged with temporarily kidnapping and threatening to repeatedly kidnap or should I be saying catnap, the beloved cat of his elderly mother. The 47 year old man has been accused of extorting $20,000 from his mother by threatening to take the cat named Hiss and no doubt dropping it at the doorstep of Leona Helmsley's dog, Trouble. This low brow of a son was released on only $200 bail which proves that Rhode Islanders have no humanity in their hearts when it comes to cats or little old ladies. Normally anyone who steals that much money or extorts such a sum would be facing serious jail time and would have a large bail set for their release. Perhaps since the events occurred during the dog days of August, Rhode Island officials didn't think taking an elderly woman's life savings was a CATastrophe.
So in Rhode Island, a man steals $20 grand and bonds out for $200 while in Tampa Bay Florida a 20-year-old girl has to post $1000 because she put too much salt on a policeman's McDonald's hamburger. And people think I don't make any sense. The reports state the young girl spilled salt on a batch of ground beef and after she and her supervisor scraped off all they could, decided the meat was edible. Unfortunately a cop who no doubt is a seasoned veteran of the force ate a burger and stormed back into the establishment to see who a SALTed him and his lunch. The poor kid told him what happened and this Dirty Harry arrested the young girl and took her to culinary cuisine court in Tampa. I can only assume the judge who gave this girl a high bail rather than just throwing the charges out with the burger wrapper, is either a vegetarian or a fan of Wendy's or Burger King. It is hoped this cop gets peppered with criticism for acting like an idiot.
I know there is much debate concerning whether or not Pluto is the ninth planet in our solar system. Respectively I want to throw the state of California into this debate because what comes out of that state is definitely from another planet.
In the latest judicial decision, an Alameda County Superior (that name is used quite loosely) judge has ruled that a cabinet maker/installer has the right to work in a client's home wearing nothing but a pencil behind his ear. The carpenter, a 51 year old which shouldn't make anyone get excited, had been arrested when someone walking by the house where he was working noticed all of his tools both personal and private were in full view through the window. The carpenter who claims he likes to work naked was released by the judge since it seems the county has no laws prohibiting people from showing if they are hung as properly as the cabinets they install in a kitchen.
Finally, you have to realize that when you live with nature sometimes nature says "I was here first". In Pocatello Idaho, a woman who had just moved into a lovely new cabin in moose country found out the previous residents aren't all that thrilled with having people around. The woman came home after running a few errands and found two baby moose in the back yard trying to figure out the Jungle Gym while mama moose was busy smashing through the front door of her new cabin. The mama moose spent only a few minutes inside before leaving and there is belief she just got confused and tried to break into the wrong house when her keys wouldn't work. The two baby moose, who were expecting mom moose to come out with a few strawberry pop tarts, bounded away with mom as the new homeowner waited a good distance away. Luckily, according to the woman's insurance agent, the moose's damage will be covered by her insurance policy just as long as the damage had nothing to do with Hurricane Katrina.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Mike, I always enjoy your writings. Thanks for entertaining and enlightening.Thanks LM. I'm not sure if I do any enlightening but I do try and entertain, although perhaps not always. I will be a regular with this type of column every week and I hope you and your friends stop by from time to time. Thanks again. Mike
I can promise that I will be reading.
Mike, I'm really sorry, but I can't read your column anymore during my lunch hour at work. My co-workers complain about my sudden unexpected outbursts of laughter, which evidently disrupts their concentration. The fact that I'm trying to catch up on serious current events obviously means nothing to them. Bummer.Thank you Danny. These columns are nothing if not completely serious. I'm tired of getting the news from the far right or far left. Its time we heard from the far middle which I am president of by the way. It was close, I ran unopposed and we still had to have a run-off election. Thanks again. P.S. Tell those office workers to come on over to the far middle and join the fun.
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