What if the Government Took Over Baseball (Satire)
Posted: Monday, January 22, 2007
by Mike Fak
http://mikefak.com
Former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell warned baseball owners at their quarterly meeting that if players and owners don't cooperate with his investigation into steroid use in baseball that the U.S. government might step in. I'm not certain that a body of legislators that can't figure out what is going on in Iraq after spending half a trillion dollars will be able to examine baseball's problems but let's go one better. Let's ask the question: "What would happen to baseball if the government took the sport over entirely. Here are some of the things I believe would happen to America's Pastime.
Baseballs will be let out to the lowest bidder. That means the current $9.00 per ball price will go up to approximately $1253.00 each, just slightly less than a government hammer or toilet seat.
It will still be three strikes and you're out unless the batter and umpire are from the same political party and then a batter might be allowed several more mistakes at the plate without any repercussions or sanctions by an umpire.
Instant replay will not be allowed. In fact at the end of each game all audio and video records of the game will be destroyed with both parties issuing statements that to the best of their recollections the game never happened.
Batting averages will be kept by the department of defense which will cause them to skyrocket. When questioned how someone with 3 hits in 75 at bats can have a 400 batting average, the defense department will convene a multi-million dollar panel to look into the matter but never report their findings..
Umpires will be allowed to carry shopping bags to prevent money, and checks from flying around the ballpark. The umpires will instruct reporters that their receiving money just before they made a call had no bearing on how they ruled.
Any umpire wanting to keep a freezer on the field to store cash may do so but it must be in foul territory.
All equipment in the game from mitts to bats to cup protection will cost a thousand fold more than it does at any sporting goods store and will be of shoddy material, construction and workmanship. The manufactures of this equipment will be continually sanctioned and fined but those fines will never be collected as they continue to make more shoddy equipment.
To cut costs, umpire calls at second base and third base will be outsourced to India via a multi million dollar satellite system that frequently will break down.
Any fans that boo a republican player will be added to the terrorist "no fly list' and ripped mercilessly by Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly on the Fox News Network.
An umpire's decision will immediately have commentary by several pundits who will argue over the umpire's politics with no regard or interest in determining the accuracy of the call.
All requests by players for amphetamines or steroids must be handled through the new Medicare/Medicaid system which will bog down requests to the point most players will give up trying to buy the drugs, which will be overpriced anyway.
There will be no foul poles so that a baseball hit down the line will be subject to interpretation if it is left or right in its travel.
The baseball rule book will be increased from 417 pages to a volume requiring the entire 17 th floor of the Library of Congress. This will have to be built at taxpayer expense since there currently isn't a 17th floor.
All food vending services will be let out to Halliburton causing a hot dog and beer to cost $189.95
Truly important umpire decisions will be left undecided until after they reconvene months later. And finally: any sweating player who wraps a towel around his head to wipe the perspiration away will be branded a Muslim terrorist and sent to the minor league team in Guantanamo.
Yeh let's get the government involved in baseball.
This Article has been viewed 3,618 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)About that three strikes thing...are you sure? Wouldn't that apply to all the oldtimers who are grandfathered into the program, and all the new guys would get one strike and you're out? Unless of course you arranged something else with the umpire ahead of time. Pass the checkbook please. GREAT ARTICLE!Many thanks. You are correct of course with your assertion. How about: Any new rule in baseball only applies to rookies and not veterans unless the rule helps veterans and then it applies to them but not rookies. Thanks for reading.
Great job Mike...
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.